Painter

The painter paints with passion
Brushing furiously, stroking away…
In a determinedly focused fashion
That will not waver or sway.
His marred hands move with a vision;
An image inside His head
Calculated with perfect precision
That moves his brush ahead.
Slowly, slowly, but oh so surely
The canvas fill up with paint
It won’t be late, nor will it be early
But on time and untouched by complaint.
He who began a this enchanting endeavor
Will surely finish it.
And its greatness and glory will hang forever
Where no one can diminish it.

Full Circle

The funny thing about seasons
Is that they’re cyclical;
They come, they go, and they come back…
And that’s no conjecture, that’s a fact.
I’m telling you, it’s true:
The Good Book tells us there’s nothing new
And that there’s a time for everything under the sun:
A time to walk, a time to run,
A time to keep it together, a time come undone,
A time to embrace, a time to refrain,
A time for pleasure, a time for pain.
Whatever’s begun has already been done
And whatever’s done will begin again.
Just when you thought the lesson was learned,
And the bridges were burned,
Or your blessing was earned…
You discover that the tides hadn’t really turned at all.
At least not for very long.

Revisiting the Treadmill part 3

Now back to the treadmill...

I believe my kind of waiting is one that is active. It is preparation, it is training. Not simply a gap of time between point A and B, but an intentional period of time to ready oneself for what comes next. Just like my jogging on the treadmill is a way of conditioning and refining my body to run outside, so must be my place in life right now. Where I'm at is not the ultimate path God has for me, but rather a training ground to strength my legs to convey me towards whatever destiny awaits me.

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. "Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.
Hebrews 12:11-13

This anonymous letter (no, it wasn't Paul) wrote this to Jewish converts who felt social pressures to turn back from their new way of living, or to compromise their current beliefs with their old customs. The entire book of Hebrews is about the character of Jesus and how we ought to approach Him in light of His attributes (i.e. sovereignty, compassion, wisdom etc.) The author of the book of Hebrews called the "hardships" his recipients edured "discipline" from God. In Ancient Greek, the word for discipline was "epaideuon" , which referred to

the whole training and education of children - which relates to the cultivation of mind and morals, and employs for this purpose now commands and admonitions, now reproof and punishment. It also includes the training and care of the body

(The Online Greek Bible)

We must approach God in hardships as our teacher or our coach, for that is what He uses to strengthen us and refine us like silver. The Hebrews were to take their troubles as an opportunity to learn and grow into the people God intended.

If the Word of God truly is "living", then the exhortations presented here can most certainly be applied to my life, as well. Therefore, I believe the Lord is using my hardship of monotony and restlessness to discipline me for some greater purpose I need to run after, and whatever it is will be worth the wait.

Revisiting the Treadmill part 2

The fact that the creator and keeper of the universe would take time to speak into a situation as ultimately trivial as mine is, by itself, an encouraging reality. I love when God speaks.

To be frank, however, I wasn't impressed by His message for me at the gym. It didn't sound like anything new. I had been told to wait before...to be still and let things come when they come. But I didn't realize at the time that a different kind of waiting was being presented to me. Before I get to that, however, I want to share how God reinforced His message. Since my initial encounter, God brought to me His written word (over about a week) to confirm what He had impressed upon my heart on the treadmill.

See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.
Isaiah 43:19

"Look at the nations and watch—
and be utterly amazed.
For I am going to do something in your days
that you would not believe,
even if you were told."
Habakkuk 1:5

Through the words of the prophets, God assures His people that He has plans. Good plans. Plans we might not understand or expect, but plans that are perfect and wonderful. That's the hope that He gives: we may not be able to predict what He'll do exactly, but we can trust that it will be unbelievable and satisfactory. More than satisfactory, for the Words tells us God's love is overflowing, and his blessings are bountiful. Whatever they may be, they are worth waiting for...

Then the LORD replied:
"Write down the revelation
and make it plain on tablets
so that a herald may run with it.
For the revelation awaits an appointed time;
it speaks of the end
and will not prove false.
Though it linger, wait for it;
it will certainly come and will not delay.
Habakkuk 2:2-3

God promises to be faithful. He wants us to hold on to that piece of Him and have hope. The "new thing" or "good thing" that we await will come exactly when it needs to. We can trust Him in this because His ways and thoughts are higher than ours; He sees behind and before, around and within...He sees it all and He knows each part fully. We can trust the path He has for us.

Revisiting the Treadmill part 1

A few months ago, I wrote a haiku about running on a treadmill:

stretch, walk, breathe, now sprint.
I'm running on a treadmill,
still getting nowhere.

My disdain for both running and gyms were the inspiration for this little verse. I hate running. Mostly because I'm not athletic and I suck at it; my legs go numb, I'm winded and my throat starts burning after 30 seconds of jogging outside. In order to improve, I've made a lengthy and sporadic attempt to improve by running on a treadmill over the last year and a half.

Unfortunately, this desperate act of improvement is nauseatingly boring and makes me feel like a hamster. It's so mechanical and sterile.

As I engage in my stationary exercise, with the rhythmic drumming of my feet as the soundtrack to my journey to physical fitness, it becomes clear that this is but a poor reflection of what running should be. I should be feeling the sun on my skin and the wind in my face! There's a whole beautiful world out there I could be running around in...hills, forests, coasts... but where am I? Running in place, inside a room full of metal and plastic, on a spinning slap of rubber!

This just isn't what we're made for.

I couldn't help but draw a parallel between this routine of mine with the rest of my life, as of late. I'm putting in all this effort in to...whatever it is I do...but I'm not really going anywhere. There's just a lack of novelty and there's no visible progression to what I'm doing. I'm working, studying and volunteering in the same place I've been for the last 17 years. It's all getting old. It's getting harder to keep the same pace. It's hard to be excited about what I'm doing. There's just this yearning to go somewhere else, do and see something new. These feelings of mine are definitely not "something new." It seems like they've been around forever! And I'm so tired of waiting for them to be satisfied. I imagine this is true for a lot of community college students...and anyone who is in a time of waiting for something.

On one particularly jaded day of feigned aerobic exercise, I was questioning the point of what I was doing, both in and out of the gym. In reminding myself of my external purposes, I felt the Spirit whisper in my ear:

You're right: this isn't what I made you for. Doesn't mean it's pointless.
You're training. You're getting stronger.
You are being prepared to run.

Let me clarify that God was not talking about my time running on the treadmill.

Pulse

This was written a little after my last trip to Mexico. Going on a mission trip as a leader was quite a different experience. It changed my whole perspective on...everything. These feelings I'm about to express may have become a little stale since that trip, but they are the cry of my heart:

Who wants to be tied down?
Who wants to just be sitting around, not moving a muscle, not making a sound?
Who wants to waste this life doing nothing?
I’m just so sick of the same old routine, everything so neat and clean,
and the so-called American dream...I'm bursting at the seam!

My eyes wander,
Fingers tap, legs bounce
Heart pounds.

There’s something rising up in me
Something like a budding seed, trying to break free,
Trying to live fully in to its destiny as a tree.

…What’s going on with me?

I feel different. Like chains have been broken.
Like my eyes have been opened.
Like I’ve got a message that needs to be spoken.

Whatever it is, it is uncontainable and ignoring it is not sustainable,
I don’t know what this is about, but I feel something is yearning to reach out
for something unexplainable, for something that feels unattainable.

There’s a fire in my heart, but where do I start?
Where does one begin to be different in a town plagued by apathy, and blinded by intoxication?

Time is flying by so fast
And I want to live each day like it was my last.
I want to put my comfort on a shelf, and die to myself.
I want to forget about the past…and look ahead.
To one day ensure the hungry are fed,
And that the poor wanderer could lay down his weary head,
To one day loosen the chains of the oppressed,
to bring healing to the discouraged and depressed.

I want to abandon fear and start trusting the God who is near.
It’s time to throw caution to the wind, and let this journey begin.

-Charlie Kenny

Follow Me (FEEDBACK, PLEASE)

This is about my service in middle school ministry. I'm not quite satisfied with this piece. Something is missing, I feel, but I'm not sure. Tell me how I can make it better:

Some know, others forgot…
But whether you know it, or not
Let me remind you: we are on a quest.
You know your mind is without rest
And that heart that beats in your chest
Is possessed by a longing for life.

Everyone searches aimlessly,
But we know that treasure is out there.
After so much struggle and prayer
I finally stand atop a rock and declare
I see the thing that will fill my soul
The thing that will make me whole.
I see it on the top, and I intend not to stop.

Can you hear me screaming?
Can you see me beaming?
I raise my voice to the sky, but you bat not an eye
Turn not your head and lay motionless as if dead…

Sitting down on the high place, I wipe the sweat from my face
My heart is drumming and humming as I wonder why no one is coming.

Suddenly it became clear:
I can’t just call your name from up here.
My cries are but fleeting noise
That don’t reach the ears of my naïve young boys
They sit on the ground, and hear not a sound.
I’ve got to go back down…
And show them the path I’ve found.

-Charlie Kenny

Hypocrite

Deep inside is a disease,
A sickness as old as the birds and bees…
Infecting our hands and feet, elbows and knees.
That permeates every heart mind and soul…people young and old.
The wise man and the fool; the rejected and the cool
The rich, the poor, the tall the short;
the boy, the girl; the entire world.
With hateful hearts and eyes that judge
They hold grudges that won’t budge
With pretentious isolation they perpetuate segregation,
Irreverently they engage in informal fornication
Indulge in dubious intoxication
And look to one another for uneducated validation
I hear them vomit out lies and deception
Speak words that kill.
The sickness runs deep
Making them insecure
Turning their motives impure
Filling them up with an insatiable lust.
…and I look on in disgust
The darkness couldn’t be clearer,
Until I look in the mirror
And notice my own black heart and judging eyes
My untamed tongue that spits out slander and lies
There’s no escaping my fate;
I am what I hate.

-Charlie Kenny

Indecision

To do or not to do;
That is the question…the obsession and expression of our lives.
We are designed for movement: for action and reaction.
You feel the yearnings inside that ache
For choices to make
Steps to take, barriers to break,
Activities in which to partake…
But how does one make a decision? Can anyone truly envision what lies ahead?
There’s so much to consider.
Ethics to contemplate
Variables to calculate
Possibilities to estimate
As you observe the tension between want and need,
You find yourself unsure of which impulse to heed.
You will weigh your options
Calculate positive and negative; meditate on right and wrong.
You will see this pro, that con, and the list goes on and on.
Paralysis and uncertainty ensue
And you still don’t know what to do.


-Charlie Kenny

Writer's Block

My whole life is internal. All the trials and tribulations I face, the solutions I find, all the sins I commit, the virtues I hold, all the pain and pleasure I experience...all of it is locked inside. There is virtually no physical manifestation of any of it; the chaos is all in my head. I am the epitome of introspection.

As one might imagine, I do a lot of thinking and reflecting. Numerous thoughts and ideas pop into my head on a daily basis, things that I feel need to be shared, discussed and refined. The only way I know how to effectively do this is to write; to translate the storm of thoughts and feelings raging inside my head into words, into something meaningful; something relevant. But for some reason, I haven't been able to do it. The words just aren't coming to me, and I don't have the patience to endure the wait. Thus the storm continues...

Too bad this results in a [more than usual] perpetually moody, self-absorbed and angst-ridden Charlie.

I've began - and abandoned - several pieces on:

the urgency of service and loving others
sex
the balance between liberalism and conservatism
the reputation of the church
the power of words
accountability
transitional moments in one's life

These are all topics I've been thinking about lately, but can't seem to find the words to comment on. Writer's block SUCKS.

the silent cry

an ambiguous voice permeates my generation

we call to you in silence
without words and without intention
but we cry to you nonetheless

through the grudges we hold
through our sexual encounters
through lonely isolation
through lies and deception
through inflated egos
through ambivalence and apathy...
our spirits scream for something more
for more than a feeling
more than a name

every misguided step we take
beseeches the grace of Hosanna
to fill every void inside

-Charlie Kenny

God the Artist

For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse
Romans 1:20

Just as an artist leaves a piece of himself in his work, so does God reveal Himself in His creation. Look around in nature, and you'll see the Maker in what has been made. This last weekend, some middle school students and I spent an unforgettable two days camping and rock climbing in some remote area of northern California. It was absolutely breathtaking.
I wrote some haiku-like poems in response:

Tree God
You are tall and mighty
ancient, but fully alive.
Always reaching out.
Giver of good gifts
you're a refuge from the rain
and the wind and the sun.

Grass of the Field
Innumerable.
Nourishing beasts of the earth
growing every day.
gentle to the touch
thin emeralds in the sun
still reaching higher.

Canyon River
The great river flows
peace and chaos all in one
pure and relentless.

Rocky Mountain
Towering mountain
unshakable foundation
stand firm in great strength.

Set Apart. Part 2

There is a certain individual, a very passionate young woman, who is making quite a name for herself in the Bay Area Christian culture. (To avoid the risk of provoking an unnecessary confrontation, I will refrain from using her real name. She will be referred to from here on out as "Betty")

Betty is on the forefront of what I like to call "the revival." She is bound and determined to spur her fellow young people on to living lives completely dedicated to God. Betty calls for her peers to raise the bar for ethical standards and be more conscious of what we consume. (i.e. various forms of media, drugs) In order to get this message across, she organizes this annual event (name omitted) with speakers and a band or two and she even preaches her heart on the issue.

We need to be different. We need to change the world. We need to be set apart.

First of all…I would like to commend her for her efforts. Our generation is frustratingly apathetic and so willing to compromise their values; no one cares anymore. It’s so unusual to see someone with such scrupulous determination. I love Betty’s heart, love it.

However, to be frank, what she puts on i not unlike other similar events - The Gathering of the Unashamed, any Mexico Mission trip, any theme weekend for a Christian camp, the triennial CHIC conference. It’s got the same urgent, “call to arms” message that we’ve all heard countless times, complete with that fleeting, life-changing burst of passion that expires halfway out the door.

There is no doubt in my mind that these events are needed; people forget and people get complacent and distracted. But after 4-5 years of attending these revivals, I’ve grown pretty bored of hearing the same old message and receiving the same momentary revolutionary feelings. It’s become so routine, so superficial. It’s like we’re always stuck in this initial stage of "I need to change."

I recently had a conversation with Betty. When I asked her how she was living out this "call to
action," I didn’t get the answer I was hoping for. In so many words, she told me:

I lead worship at my church. I lead a small group for high school ministry. Of course I do [insert name of revival event] every year. I'm straight-edge and I don't curse. I don’t watch rated R movies and I definitely don’t sleep around.

Okay…cool. Me too.

But I was hoping she’d tell me, how Jesus is calling her to live beyond herself. I wanted her to tell me, for example, about her relationship with people at work. Something about patience or humility? Or how she might be sacrificing her time? Taking care of the sick? Maybe tutoring kids for free? What about the way she uses her words; do they build up? Or do they tear down? How about the way she uses her money and resources? Is she a giver? Does she live simply? I don’t know. There’s a million other things I can ask. I guess I was simply unsatisfied with her answer.

I didn’t want to hear about how she shuts herself up inside her little Christian bubble and participates in her Christian hobbies with her Christian friends. That's not being different. It's not changing the world.

There’s just got to be something more to being “set apart.” I'd wager Jesus had something else in mind.

Is this the kind of fast I have chosen,
only a day for a man to humble himself?
Is it only for bowing one's head like a reed
and for lying on sackcloth and ashes?
Is that what you call a fast,
a day acceptable to the LORD ?

"Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?

Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
"If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,

and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.

The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.

Isaiah 58:5-11

Set Apart . Part 1

"Balls"

In the beginning, the church had it right.
Jesus won the fight; he brought us out of the dark of night
and to His great delight we walked in light.
We followed Christ's holy vision,
But by some poor decision came great division.
We looked for a reason to hate, to desecrate and annihilate.
Devoid of grace, we judge on race
and spit in one another's face.
Without apology, we bash others' political ideology
We look down and harass people who are "lower" class.
Somewhere down the line our hearts were infected.
Barriers were erected and, in essence,
the greatest commandment was rejected.
Now here we are, judging and hating what makes us admirable.
Valuable. Lovable.
I believe Jesus calls us all to have the balls to break down these walls.
To forget about his abnormality, or her nationality,
my personality, your legality,
or even their sexuality.
We've got to abandon this bigoted mentality,
this logical fallacy, and all the verbal and mental brutality...to embrace His reality. His love. His love that rebuilds us, fulfills us.
Heals us, reveals things to us.
That gives us hope and helps us cope.
His love that changes our hearts and gives us new starts,
that makes amends and above all else transcends.

By: Charlie Kenny

The above poem (called "Balls") was written a little under a year ago. Back in December, I was hanging out with some friends - Christian friends, I might add - at someone's house watching the 2nd Season of some show. As we watched the plot unfold on the screen, I found myself profoundly distracted and disturbed by the conversations that peppered our time together.

Stupid Asian drivers. Dirty Mexicans crossing our borders. Fags. Crazy liberals ruining our country. Whoreish classmates.

...Excuse me?

I refrained from adding to these exchanges; I was simply paralyzed with curiosity. These people grew up in the Church. They go to youth group every week, and have small groups. None of them drink. None of them do drugs. I'm fairly certain they're all virgins. They don't swear. They're all just honest, hardworking young men and women. They follow all the rules. How could such things be coming out of their mouths?

Then it hit me. (Not that I didn't know "it" before, but the gravity of "it" had finally sunk in.)

Following the rules is not what sets Christians apart.
It never has been.
Romans 2-4 talks about how the written Law of the Old Testament is no longer the final standard for righteousness. The Law is a tool for self-assessment, and is truly a moral code worthy of adherence, but it is not what will save us. Rather, our acceptance of His sacrifice for us. It is our trust in Jesus - His character, His ways, His promises, His accomplishments and how these things affect us -that saves us.

Anyone can follow rules. Anyone can pursue a disciplined lifestyle. Athletes do it. Scholars do it. Artists do it. Businesses do it. Governments do it. Ethics. Preparation. Assembly. Exercise. It's nothing new.
What makes Christians different - in theory - is the unconditional love they have learned to pour out on others. Jesus said it, Himself, "all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." (John 13:35)

Come out, come out, wherever you are...

The Lord speaks.
I haven't fully identified God's method of communication in my life, but He's definitely spoke to me through a variety of mediums: people's words, His Word, my environment, internal conviction...and through (often strange, and sometimes cheesy) metaphors.

Once again, I briefly met with my mentor Carlos. I don't know how we got on the topic, but he asked me why I wasn't going on this retreat with my church's Young Adult Ministry to Lake Don Pedro. I didn't want to go in to it, so the short answer to his question was simply that I had chosen not. I didn't want to spend the money, and I didn't like water sports.

You'd think that would be the end of it. Not quite. Carlos invited me in to his office and he put a penny on a table. "This is you..." he said, pointing to the penny."...and this is what you're doing." He produced a small paper cup and put it over the penny. "What's going on here?"

Being the smart-ass I am, I replied that I was under a cup. Carlos ignored that comment and urged me to comply. I tried "isolation", "comfort zones", "narrow-mindedness" and they were not what he was looking for. Those terms were centered on myself, he noted. I was not sure what he was looking for, but the word just popped up in my head: "hiding."

Bingo.

Carlos reminded me how God has created each of us with a purpose. He's planted treasures within us that can only be revealed through engaging in relationship with community. He told me I was an exceptionally wise, discerning young man; I see things clearly with an almost prophetic insight. My authenticity and love for others can change people's lives. Because that's just "the kind of person [I] am." But I have the unfortunate habit of withdrawing from people, therefore I have the habit of denying my creator the opportunity to use me as I've been designed. Not only that, I deny myself the opportunity to learn and grow.

The conclusion to his explanation was simply "stop it."

I was taken aback by this assertion. But after a few minutes, I realized he's not entirely wrong (and I'm not talking about how amazing I am.) I know when I'm not feeling my best - when I'm depressed, or uncomfortable, or tired, or just "not in the mood" - I tend to isolate myself. I don't necessarily know why that is. Probably a method of self-defense. Maybe I don't want people to see me when I'm down. Maybe I just don't want to see them. I don't really know.

Regardless of why, I know I do it. Therefore, there's a very high possibility that I might be missing out on something. The opportunity to love on others, to serve others. The opportunity to learn and to grow as a person.

Treadmill Haiku

stretch, walk, breathe, now sprint.
I'm running on a treadmill,
still getting nowhere.

sit with me

breath heavy.
back aching.
legs shaking, spirit breaking. heart pounding.
moans and cries sounding.
sweat pouring.
wanna fall to my knees;
this weight's too much!
seemingly without support and without a crutch
wanna cry for your healing touch.
so i do.

you need not turn around
to see me on the ground
under a mountain of troubles.
you only urge: "lay it down.
lay it down. lay it down."

sweet voice. scarred hands
bring me out of the dirt.

your words unto me:
sit with me, my child.
let's rest for a while.
you've been holding on to all the wrong things
storing them up and holding them tight.
cast this weight of your back;
for my yoke is easy, my burden is light.

don't you worry bout a thing
i can handle everything you've got
already have.
did what you could not.

wound? healed. fate? sealed.
bridge built by blood split;
no more guilt.
battle? won. shackles? undone.
IT IS DONE.

so lay it down. lay it down. lay it down.

Celebrating Freedom

Originally I was gonna post this on the 4th of July, since it seemed so appropriate, but I decided to sleep in and be lazy.

My family didn't do much for Independence Day. It was a real small gathering this year.

This may sound horribly unpatriotic and unorthodox, but I actually don't affiliate myself very closely with my country. Don't get me wrong; I love living here. I love the U.S. and what it stands for. I believe in democracy and the growth that its struggle brings. I am thankful for the freedoms our forefathers have won for us, and I have a tremendous respect for those who fight for us in the Armed Forces (my cousin Mario, for one.)

However, I don't necessarily place my identity in being an American. And why should I? Who, but man, ordained this piece of land to be the United States? What is it more than a geographic location inhabited by a population of humans with a distinct - yet very comprehensive - culture? I don't really know where I'm going with this; I just don't think it's wise to put our identities in man-made institutions (i.e. schools attended, frats/sororities joined, companies employed by, states born in etc.)

There's no doubt that there are many advantages and freedoms that come with being born in this country. I feel like I shouldn't have to elaborate. If you disagree...too bad, go read our Constitution.

This is so cliche, but oh so pertinent...I want to acknowledge the freedom that comes in our allegiance to Christ.

I just started reading this little book called Sit, Walk, Stand by Watchman Nee, a renowned martyr and church-planter in communist China. His three chapter, 70-page short work of wisdom is based on Ephesians, and talks about our position in relation to God, the physical world around us, and Satan.

The first chapter, called "sit", deals with our initial relationship to God. Upon salvation, Nee argues, we are to enter into His presence "with an acceptance by faith of what God has done..." Jesus wants us to receive what He has for us: freedom from sin. We came into this world predisposed to the curse of the sins of our fathers, but Jesus provided a way out. He wants us to rest in the knowledge that everything has been taken care of.

We're off the hook; Jesus paid the price. He won the fight. He bridged the gap. He filled the hole inside. He loosened the chains. He took on the burden. He satisfied the requirements of the law.

His desire is to share this victory with us. Ephesians says that "God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms." (2:6) In Christ - through the cross - we sit with God and to rest in Him and receive the gift of His sacrifice.

We're set free from sin; we're no longer bound to its solely deleterious and inhibiting effects on our heart, mind, body and soul. The power of sorrow, shame, sickness, pain, hunger, anger, hopelessness and death no longer have a hold on us who have been saved because God lives in us, and greater is He who lives in us than he who is in the world (1 John 4:4). We are free to live life the way it was meant to be: fully and abundantly.

Hallelujah.

Intervention

de·pres·sion - \di-ˈpresh-ən\ noun an act of depressing or a state of being depressed: as a (1): a state of feeling sad (2): a mood disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty with thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal thoughts or an attempt to commit suicide b: a reduction in functional activity, amount, quality, or force


Depression, I am convinced, runs in my family. My mother, my brother Nick, and many of my extended relatives continuously go through seasons of deep emotional lows. Whether they acknowledge this or not, I know that I definitely struggle with this.

People who are depressed aren't just sad. It's not something one can just "shake off" or "get over." Our emotional state is controlled by the delivery of chemicals called neurotransmitters to various parts of our brain. These chemicals have stimuli, and they make us feel a certain way. When someone is depressed, these regulatory hormones do not function properly and therefore throws one's mood out of balance - usually to a negative extreme.

According to the Mayo Clinic, certain factors predispose people to the susceptibility this mental condition:

• Having other biological relatives with depression
• Having family members who have taken their own life
• Stressful life events (financial, relational, medical etc.)
  
• Having a depressed mood as a youngster
• Illness, such as cancer, heart disease, Alzheimer's or HIV/AIDS
• Long-term use of certain medications, such as some drugs used to control high blood pressure, sleeping pills or, occasionally, birth control pills
• Certain personality traits, such as having low self-esteem and being overly dependent, self-critical or pessimistic
• Alcohol, nicotine and drug abuse
• Having recently given birth
• Being in a lower socioeconomic group

*red = my own experiences

I've struggled with depression for about 3 years, beginning in my junior year of high school. (That's when I first noticed it) In the beginning, it was because I was overworked and felt like my life was too one-dimensional; ALL I did in my last two years of high school was homework. My life was centered around school, and I hated that something so temporary and trivial to the big picture governed my life.

Now, it's because I'm unsatisfied with where I am. Life is a lot more balanced, but I feel like it lacks meaning and healthy relationship. I feel like I'm just going through the motions and doing so with no one by my side. For a more in depth explanation, go to "Looking Back Part 2"

This struggle has always been internal. I would very carefully seek advice and prayer from others, but I would try so hard not seek their shoulder to cry on. Whining and moaning might have been my initial response, but somewhere along the line, I concluded people didn't wanna hear about it. Maybe because I didn't wanna hear about it. Regardless, I never thought this inner battle was ever waged beyond the confines of my own brain.

Apparently, I was stupidly and horribly mistaken; the other night two of my friends sat me down and had an intervention.

I'm "not the same"
I'm "not Charlie"
I'm "here, but not fully"
I'm "more negative than [I've] ever been"
I'm "in deep"
I "need professional help"

This is not surprising. I feel different, I don't feel like myself. I feel like a ghost. I can't see the good in anything right now. I do need help. I've felt this way for a while.

What perplexes me is that these feelings of mine have breached the surface. They've come out of me and are repelling the people I love from me. I can't believe they are affecting the few relationships I have right now...even Jade.

I guess this is what you'd call a red flag.

Going big.

Much to my amazement, the idea of a charity ultimate frisbee tournament is slowly becoming a reality.

When I first pitched my idea to my friend and mentor, Carlos Devitis, I was kind of discouraged. Not because he condemned my dream - he thought it was a great goal - but because he warned me that a task this size would be challenging and would require a lot of work; there's a lot to go in to something like this. If you know anything about me, you know I tend to get overwhelmed and discouraged by large tasks....

But thank God for His provision; He's placed three very important people - a trinity, if you will - in my life who can help me get this going.

1. Shiloh Hurst - one of the creators of the Dance-A-Thon, experienced in organizing events, getting donations and managing logistics
2. Caleb Denecour - weathered ultimate frisbee player, experience in tournaments, connections to teams, organizations etc.
3. Ruby Jacques - philanthropist, knowledge of social issues, connections to Anti-Human Trafficking resources (experts, non-profits etc.)

I have a meeting with Caleb and Shiloh this Thursday.