Treadmill Haiku

stretch, walk, breathe, now sprint.
I'm running on a treadmill,
still getting nowhere.

sit with me

breath heavy.
back aching.
legs shaking, spirit breaking. heart pounding.
moans and cries sounding.
sweat pouring.
wanna fall to my knees;
this weight's too much!
seemingly without support and without a crutch
wanna cry for your healing touch.
so i do.

you need not turn around
to see me on the ground
under a mountain of troubles.
you only urge: "lay it down.
lay it down. lay it down."

sweet voice. scarred hands
bring me out of the dirt.

your words unto me:
sit with me, my child.
let's rest for a while.
you've been holding on to all the wrong things
storing them up and holding them tight.
cast this weight of your back;
for my yoke is easy, my burden is light.

don't you worry bout a thing
i can handle everything you've got
already have.
did what you could not.

wound? healed. fate? sealed.
bridge built by blood split;
no more guilt.
battle? won. shackles? undone.
IT IS DONE.

so lay it down. lay it down. lay it down.

Celebrating Freedom

Originally I was gonna post this on the 4th of July, since it seemed so appropriate, but I decided to sleep in and be lazy.

My family didn't do much for Independence Day. It was a real small gathering this year.

This may sound horribly unpatriotic and unorthodox, but I actually don't affiliate myself very closely with my country. Don't get me wrong; I love living here. I love the U.S. and what it stands for. I believe in democracy and the growth that its struggle brings. I am thankful for the freedoms our forefathers have won for us, and I have a tremendous respect for those who fight for us in the Armed Forces (my cousin Mario, for one.)

However, I don't necessarily place my identity in being an American. And why should I? Who, but man, ordained this piece of land to be the United States? What is it more than a geographic location inhabited by a population of humans with a distinct - yet very comprehensive - culture? I don't really know where I'm going with this; I just don't think it's wise to put our identities in man-made institutions (i.e. schools attended, frats/sororities joined, companies employed by, states born in etc.)

There's no doubt that there are many advantages and freedoms that come with being born in this country. I feel like I shouldn't have to elaborate. If you disagree...too bad, go read our Constitution.

This is so cliche, but oh so pertinent...I want to acknowledge the freedom that comes in our allegiance to Christ.

I just started reading this little book called Sit, Walk, Stand by Watchman Nee, a renowned martyr and church-planter in communist China. His three chapter, 70-page short work of wisdom is based on Ephesians, and talks about our position in relation to God, the physical world around us, and Satan.

The first chapter, called "sit", deals with our initial relationship to God. Upon salvation, Nee argues, we are to enter into His presence "with an acceptance by faith of what God has done..." Jesus wants us to receive what He has for us: freedom from sin. We came into this world predisposed to the curse of the sins of our fathers, but Jesus provided a way out. He wants us to rest in the knowledge that everything has been taken care of.

We're off the hook; Jesus paid the price. He won the fight. He bridged the gap. He filled the hole inside. He loosened the chains. He took on the burden. He satisfied the requirements of the law.

His desire is to share this victory with us. Ephesians says that "God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms." (2:6) In Christ - through the cross - we sit with God and to rest in Him and receive the gift of His sacrifice.

We're set free from sin; we're no longer bound to its solely deleterious and inhibiting effects on our heart, mind, body and soul. The power of sorrow, shame, sickness, pain, hunger, anger, hopelessness and death no longer have a hold on us who have been saved because God lives in us, and greater is He who lives in us than he who is in the world (1 John 4:4). We are free to live life the way it was meant to be: fully and abundantly.

Hallelujah.

Intervention

de·pres·sion - \di-ˈpresh-ən\ noun an act of depressing or a state of being depressed: as a (1): a state of feeling sad (2): a mood disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty with thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal thoughts or an attempt to commit suicide b: a reduction in functional activity, amount, quality, or force


Depression, I am convinced, runs in my family. My mother, my brother Nick, and many of my extended relatives continuously go through seasons of deep emotional lows. Whether they acknowledge this or not, I know that I definitely struggle with this.

People who are depressed aren't just sad. It's not something one can just "shake off" or "get over." Our emotional state is controlled by the delivery of chemicals called neurotransmitters to various parts of our brain. These chemicals have stimuli, and they make us feel a certain way. When someone is depressed, these regulatory hormones do not function properly and therefore throws one's mood out of balance - usually to a negative extreme.

According to the Mayo Clinic, certain factors predispose people to the susceptibility this mental condition:

• Having other biological relatives with depression
• Having family members who have taken their own life
• Stressful life events (financial, relational, medical etc.)
  
• Having a depressed mood as a youngster
• Illness, such as cancer, heart disease, Alzheimer's or HIV/AIDS
• Long-term use of certain medications, such as some drugs used to control high blood pressure, sleeping pills or, occasionally, birth control pills
• Certain personality traits, such as having low self-esteem and being overly dependent, self-critical or pessimistic
• Alcohol, nicotine and drug abuse
• Having recently given birth
• Being in a lower socioeconomic group

*red = my own experiences

I've struggled with depression for about 3 years, beginning in my junior year of high school. (That's when I first noticed it) In the beginning, it was because I was overworked and felt like my life was too one-dimensional; ALL I did in my last two years of high school was homework. My life was centered around school, and I hated that something so temporary and trivial to the big picture governed my life.

Now, it's because I'm unsatisfied with where I am. Life is a lot more balanced, but I feel like it lacks meaning and healthy relationship. I feel like I'm just going through the motions and doing so with no one by my side. For a more in depth explanation, go to "Looking Back Part 2"

This struggle has always been internal. I would very carefully seek advice and prayer from others, but I would try so hard not seek their shoulder to cry on. Whining and moaning might have been my initial response, but somewhere along the line, I concluded people didn't wanna hear about it. Maybe because I didn't wanna hear about it. Regardless, I never thought this inner battle was ever waged beyond the confines of my own brain.

Apparently, I was stupidly and horribly mistaken; the other night two of my friends sat me down and had an intervention.

I'm "not the same"
I'm "not Charlie"
I'm "here, but not fully"
I'm "more negative than [I've] ever been"
I'm "in deep"
I "need professional help"

This is not surprising. I feel different, I don't feel like myself. I feel like a ghost. I can't see the good in anything right now. I do need help. I've felt this way for a while.

What perplexes me is that these feelings of mine have breached the surface. They've come out of me and are repelling the people I love from me. I can't believe they are affecting the few relationships I have right now...even Jade.

I guess this is what you'd call a red flag.