Follow Me (FEEDBACK, PLEASE)

This is about my service in middle school ministry. I'm not quite satisfied with this piece. Something is missing, I feel, but I'm not sure. Tell me how I can make it better:

Some know, others forgot…
But whether you know it, or not
Let me remind you: we are on a quest.
You know your mind is without rest
And that heart that beats in your chest
Is possessed by a longing for life.

Everyone searches aimlessly,
But we know that treasure is out there.
After so much struggle and prayer
I finally stand atop a rock and declare
I see the thing that will fill my soul
The thing that will make me whole.
I see it on the top, and I intend not to stop.

Can you hear me screaming?
Can you see me beaming?
I raise my voice to the sky, but you bat not an eye
Turn not your head and lay motionless as if dead…

Sitting down on the high place, I wipe the sweat from my face
My heart is drumming and humming as I wonder why no one is coming.

Suddenly it became clear:
I can’t just call your name from up here.
My cries are but fleeting noise
That don’t reach the ears of my naïve young boys
They sit on the ground, and hear not a sound.
I’ve got to go back down…
And show them the path I’ve found.

-Charlie Kenny