Treadmill Haiku

stretch, walk, breathe, now sprint.
I'm running on a treadmill,
still getting nowhere.

sit with me

breath heavy.
back aching.
legs shaking, spirit breaking. heart pounding.
moans and cries sounding.
sweat pouring.
wanna fall to my knees;
this weight's too much!
seemingly without support and without a crutch
wanna cry for your healing touch.
so i do.

you need not turn around
to see me on the ground
under a mountain of troubles.
you only urge: "lay it down.
lay it down. lay it down."

sweet voice. scarred hands
bring me out of the dirt.

your words unto me:
sit with me, my child.
let's rest for a while.
you've been holding on to all the wrong things
storing them up and holding them tight.
cast this weight of your back;
for my yoke is easy, my burden is light.

don't you worry bout a thing
i can handle everything you've got
already have.
did what you could not.

wound? healed. fate? sealed.
bridge built by blood split;
no more guilt.
battle? won. shackles? undone.
IT IS DONE.

so lay it down. lay it down. lay it down.

Celebrating Freedom

Originally I was gonna post this on the 4th of July, since it seemed so appropriate, but I decided to sleep in and be lazy.

My family didn't do much for Independence Day. It was a real small gathering this year.

This may sound horribly unpatriotic and unorthodox, but I actually don't affiliate myself very closely with my country. Don't get me wrong; I love living here. I love the U.S. and what it stands for. I believe in democracy and the growth that its struggle brings. I am thankful for the freedoms our forefathers have won for us, and I have a tremendous respect for those who fight for us in the Armed Forces (my cousin Mario, for one.)

However, I don't necessarily place my identity in being an American. And why should I? Who, but man, ordained this piece of land to be the United States? What is it more than a geographic location inhabited by a population of humans with a distinct - yet very comprehensive - culture? I don't really know where I'm going with this; I just don't think it's wise to put our identities in man-made institutions (i.e. schools attended, frats/sororities joined, companies employed by, states born in etc.)

There's no doubt that there are many advantages and freedoms that come with being born in this country. I feel like I shouldn't have to elaborate. If you disagree...too bad, go read our Constitution.

This is so cliche, but oh so pertinent...I want to acknowledge the freedom that comes in our allegiance to Christ.

I just started reading this little book called Sit, Walk, Stand by Watchman Nee, a renowned martyr and church-planter in communist China. His three chapter, 70-page short work of wisdom is based on Ephesians, and talks about our position in relation to God, the physical world around us, and Satan.

The first chapter, called "sit", deals with our initial relationship to God. Upon salvation, Nee argues, we are to enter into His presence "with an acceptance by faith of what God has done..." Jesus wants us to receive what He has for us: freedom from sin. We came into this world predisposed to the curse of the sins of our fathers, but Jesus provided a way out. He wants us to rest in the knowledge that everything has been taken care of.

We're off the hook; Jesus paid the price. He won the fight. He bridged the gap. He filled the hole inside. He loosened the chains. He took on the burden. He satisfied the requirements of the law.

His desire is to share this victory with us. Ephesians says that "God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms." (2:6) In Christ - through the cross - we sit with God and to rest in Him and receive the gift of His sacrifice.

We're set free from sin; we're no longer bound to its solely deleterious and inhibiting effects on our heart, mind, body and soul. The power of sorrow, shame, sickness, pain, hunger, anger, hopelessness and death no longer have a hold on us who have been saved because God lives in us, and greater is He who lives in us than he who is in the world (1 John 4:4). We are free to live life the way it was meant to be: fully and abundantly.

Hallelujah.

Intervention

de·pres·sion - \di-ˈpresh-ən\ noun an act of depressing or a state of being depressed: as a (1): a state of feeling sad (2): a mood disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty with thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal thoughts or an attempt to commit suicide b: a reduction in functional activity, amount, quality, or force


Depression, I am convinced, runs in my family. My mother, my brother Nick, and many of my extended relatives continuously go through seasons of deep emotional lows. Whether they acknowledge this or not, I know that I definitely struggle with this.

People who are depressed aren't just sad. It's not something one can just "shake off" or "get over." Our emotional state is controlled by the delivery of chemicals called neurotransmitters to various parts of our brain. These chemicals have stimuli, and they make us feel a certain way. When someone is depressed, these regulatory hormones do not function properly and therefore throws one's mood out of balance - usually to a negative extreme.

According to the Mayo Clinic, certain factors predispose people to the susceptibility this mental condition:

• Having other biological relatives with depression
• Having family members who have taken their own life
• Stressful life events (financial, relational, medical etc.)
  
• Having a depressed mood as a youngster
• Illness, such as cancer, heart disease, Alzheimer's or HIV/AIDS
• Long-term use of certain medications, such as some drugs used to control high blood pressure, sleeping pills or, occasionally, birth control pills
• Certain personality traits, such as having low self-esteem and being overly dependent, self-critical or pessimistic
• Alcohol, nicotine and drug abuse
• Having recently given birth
• Being in a lower socioeconomic group

*red = my own experiences

I've struggled with depression for about 3 years, beginning in my junior year of high school. (That's when I first noticed it) In the beginning, it was because I was overworked and felt like my life was too one-dimensional; ALL I did in my last two years of high school was homework. My life was centered around school, and I hated that something so temporary and trivial to the big picture governed my life.

Now, it's because I'm unsatisfied with where I am. Life is a lot more balanced, but I feel like it lacks meaning and healthy relationship. I feel like I'm just going through the motions and doing so with no one by my side. For a more in depth explanation, go to "Looking Back Part 2"

This struggle has always been internal. I would very carefully seek advice and prayer from others, but I would try so hard not seek their shoulder to cry on. Whining and moaning might have been my initial response, but somewhere along the line, I concluded people didn't wanna hear about it. Maybe because I didn't wanna hear about it. Regardless, I never thought this inner battle was ever waged beyond the confines of my own brain.

Apparently, I was stupidly and horribly mistaken; the other night two of my friends sat me down and had an intervention.

I'm "not the same"
I'm "not Charlie"
I'm "here, but not fully"
I'm "more negative than [I've] ever been"
I'm "in deep"
I "need professional help"

This is not surprising. I feel different, I don't feel like myself. I feel like a ghost. I can't see the good in anything right now. I do need help. I've felt this way for a while.

What perplexes me is that these feelings of mine have breached the surface. They've come out of me and are repelling the people I love from me. I can't believe they are affecting the few relationships I have right now...even Jade.

I guess this is what you'd call a red flag.

Going big.

Much to my amazement, the idea of a charity ultimate frisbee tournament is slowly becoming a reality.

When I first pitched my idea to my friend and mentor, Carlos Devitis, I was kind of discouraged. Not because he condemned my dream - he thought it was a great goal - but because he warned me that a task this size would be challenging and would require a lot of work; there's a lot to go in to something like this. If you know anything about me, you know I tend to get overwhelmed and discouraged by large tasks....

But thank God for His provision; He's placed three very important people - a trinity, if you will - in my life who can help me get this going.

1. Shiloh Hurst - one of the creators of the Dance-A-Thon, experienced in organizing events, getting donations and managing logistics
2. Caleb Denecour - weathered ultimate frisbee player, experience in tournaments, connections to teams, organizations etc.
3. Ruby Jacques - philanthropist, knowledge of social issues, connections to Anti-Human Trafficking resources (experts, non-profits etc.)

I have a meeting with Caleb and Shiloh this Thursday.

Go big or go home

There's been a rising trend of Human Trafficking awareness, especially in the American Church. My church, Peninsula Covenant, is hardly a stranger to the altruistic bandwagon. Last summer we did this whole series on what Christ-followers should stand for, including justice for the oppressed. Our topic of choice was none other than the trafficking of human beings.

We learned A LOT about the whole issue:
- 27 million slaves (more victims today than all the victims in the centuries of trans-Atlantic slave trade in the colonial era)
- 80% female, 50% legal minors
- Second fastest growing income for organized crime
- Generates $31 billion annually
- Used for Prostitution, Manual Labor Agricultural workers, Domestic workers, Child soldiers etc.
- CALIFORNIA IS AN INTERNATIONAL HUB FOR TRAFFICKED INDIVIDUALS, SPECIFICALLY THE SAN FRANCISCO BAY AREA.

As you can imagine, the revelation that slavery was happening in our own backyards was at the very least disturbing to many people in my congregation. One question burned on every heart who sat in the pews every Sunday: what can I do?

In October of 2008, two of my friends did something. Shiloh Hurst and Hannah Denecour combined their love of dance with God's heart for justice. These young ladies organized a 5 hour Dance-A-Thon (whatever the hell that is) to raise money to fight against modern slaver. They got a bunch of people from school and church and whatnot to collect pledges for dancing a certain amount of hours at this little shindig.

So I stopped by after my night class and - let me tell you - it was quite the party! Our DJ friend Alex was at the turn tables and a crowd of sweaty teenagers adorned with glow-sticks were tearin' up on the floor. They had a strobe light, a disco ball, lights, the works. I managed to catch the "salsa" and "techno" sessions.

According to International Justice Mission it takes $1,000 to successfully emancipate a slave and keep them out of forced labor. More specifically, it costs $1,000 to locate and liberate a slave, teach them a trade (for hope of a better job) and perform any legal action necessary regarding the "owners."

At the end of the night, Shiloh and Hannah managed to raise $3,100...
They freed 3 people from slavery! By DANCING.

(For more info about the Dance-a-thon, check out the December 2008 issue of the Spectrum: http://www.spectrummagazine.net/)

This account gives me so much hope. It shows that we can make a difference. "We" meaning anyone. So why not? What else can be done? Not only for the cause against human trafficking, but for world hunger, or the AIDS epidemic, or clean water, or genocide?

I want to do something. I've always wanted to do something bigger than myself. I never knew what I would do, but now I've got an idea:
Charity ultimate Frisbee tournament. Recruited teams would play for a donated prize, but entrance fees and optional pledges (money per points scored) would go straight to a cause. Think of the possibilities.


One of my best friends, Steve, is an amazing guitarist. He's been playing for years and he LOVES music. He also loves Jesus. He wants to get some bands - big, small, obscure, mainstream - together to organize a benefit show to raise money and awareness. Steve wants to expose both the darkness in our world, but also God's weapons - His people - against it. He's shooting for next summer. Get ready.

Three people's lives were changed forever because two young women got a bunch of teenagers to DANCE. What kind of difference could be made from a bunch of people tossing around a frisbee? What change could be inspired in the midst of a mosh pit? Time will only tell.

Looking back. Part 2

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

I definitely feel like God is working in me. One exceptionally prominent concept He's been putting on my heart is to have faith in Him and not in people. It is Jesus who saves and satisfies me. It is Jesus who protects and provides, heals and restores, teaches and guides me. NOT any human.

Staying home for school came with a huge price: loneliness. Community College students SUCK. Myself included, for not being the change I wish to see. I've never seen a more anti-social group of people in my life. Everyone at Cañada College is in the their own little world, completely oblivious to what lies outside. It's a commuter school: you're in and you're out. Friends are not a priority. Therefore, friends are not to be expected. This was most displeasing, especially since nearly all of my friends had dispersed across the state, the country and even the world. To make things even more challenging, Jade (the love of my life) is on the WRONG side of the U.S. trying out a high-ranking college she never even wanted to go to.
And it just so happened that everyone who stuck around was - on some level - extremely individualistic and solitary. And while we all loved each other very much, we could never become fully unified as the body of Christ. Consequently, I could never get the fellowship and community that my heart longed for. I tried looking elsewhere, but I really couldn't find my "place" anywhere. It's been a lonely year.
Who did stand by me? Jesus did. Who never left my side? Jesus. Who was always there for me? Jesus was. He stays the same, and will remain faithful. (Revelation 1:8)

People aren't perfect. But thank God that He is. For whatever reason, I've become extremely cynical this year. Somehow, I've been able to point out the hideously unacceptable flaws in everything and everyone. One example being my family, another being my friends, and finally my church. I don't wanna go too in to it right now. That's whole other discussion. But in short, I've seen the "dark-side" of a lot of things I truly love - hypocrisy, ignorance, pretension etc - and it's painfully discouraging. But who is good, all the time? Jesus is.

While this year was abundant with new found wisdom and knowledge, I feel like this year went by with startling speed and my college career is gonna pass me up within the blink of an eye. It appears a lot of these lessons were encountered in my mistakes. I slacked off this year in every possible way. I was just tired of trying, of really trying. It took forever to get a rhythm with school, to find a job, to finally shape [somewhat] of a social life, to realize these things I've learned. I don't really know what I'm getting at here...I just feel like life is slipping through my fingertips. I need to slow down.

When I shook my principal's hand one year ago, at my own graduation, I was never so relieved. This huge burden had lifted off my shoulders, because I knew the end of a very dark era in my life was at hand. I was gonna leave all the pain and struggle and depression of high school behind me, because a new beginning was ahead of me. As far as I knew, I was going places. Little did I know that I did not qualify for financial aid and coul not pay for school. Then came Plan B (a.k.a. community college).
I am nowhere near satisfied with where I am right now: at home, going to community college, no community/fellowship, no friends, no girlfriend by my side, monotonous job and the like.

My Lord has been whispering a simple message in my ear all this time:

TRUST ME.
I SEE THE BIG PICTURE.
I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
LET ME TAKE THE WHEEL
AND I'LL GET YOU TO WHERE YOU NEED TO GO.